April 28, 1945
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310.150.1-3.2016 Transcription
Somewhere else yet again–Germany
28 Apr. 45 With 7th Army 9 P.M.
Dearest,
I have the most awful {unrest dissatisfaction annoyance “something”}[1] for a
number of months that I’ve never written about—
though maybe you have “seen”/sensed it in my letters.
Even though I try to write it here—it still just
defies concrete expression in a letter. I suppose, really,
it is a composite of many things almost too innumerable
to mention—& certainly too boresome to you to
mention all contributing minutiae. One you have
heard a number of times:- the Prussian(ism)—
Jew(diasim) MD anesthetist I work with. He is a
very hansome [“society”][2] personable, non-Jew-looking fellow c̅[3]
a marked German accent. Overtly—even 99%
of all things—we would be observed to “get-
along-just-fine”—but underneath we just
do not “get-along” at all. If anesthesia & military
ramifications are not involved in some particular
phase of our lives [we even live together][4] we get along
really pretty swell—but let those 2 factors
enter & we are automatically at “hidden”/subtle
swords-points. For example, both he & I will give
eachother the “shirt-off-our-backs” [Just trying so hard
to be nice to eachother][5] such as food, gadgets, presents,
carrying heavy loads, loaning sorta “treasured” posessions,
use of eachothers daily-life-conveniences—yet
anesthesiology ↔ military ramifications just “freeze”
each of us against the other in a “silence”/unspoken
way—that only every so often flares into
verbal words. Peculiarly we never “fight” very hard
[2]
or very long at those times when we do verbally-flare.
Oh Hell—Ive written a whole page & still havent
expressed 1/100th of the situation.
Also———maybe War as War is getting
a little bit on my nerves—I dunno, maybe.
Also———maybe I’m getting to my ropes
end of this practicing anesthesiology in a mass-
wholesale-rush-multiple manner which just
has always “grated” my beliefs/feelings of doing
one case well, thoroughly, & carefully at a time—
instead of spliting your watchful eye between
7 anesthetics at once while actually conducting
2 (or 3) anesthesias.
Also—maybe Im just fed-up c̅ a
regime in this Life called militarism which
will let 4 such incompitent, unqualified, mentally
inferior people as [the][6] “Heads” of the 4 main divisions of this
organization, run-rule-“guide” the lives of 280 some
people. [Say! did you read Hayek’s article in Apr’s R.D.—it
says a mouthful!][7].
Also—maybe militarism’s suppression of
everybody’s (ME TOO!) individualism has just about
got me to a “fed-up-ropes-end.”
Also—maybe I resent/puzzle/flail/
“dispise”/deplore/”trepidate” a vague & indescribable
Slipping-Of-Confidence which I always seemed (at least)
to have so much of. It (The Confidence) was one of my
main-stays— s̅[8] it [I] have such an {unrest uneasiness annoyance dissatisfaction something[9]
Maybe I just need something such as
You/Peace/Home/Love to restore-regrasp it.
All my love,
Dave
[1] In original, the words are written in a vertical stack, with “unrest” at the top, and “something” at the bottom.”
[2] Bracketed text inserted into original with a caret.
[3] Medical abbreviation meaning “with.”
[4] Bracketed text is part of original.
[5] Bracketed text is part of original.
[6] Bracketed text inserted into original with a caret.
[7] Bracketed text is part of original.
[8] Medical abbreviation meaning “without.”
[9] In original, the words are written in a vertical stack, with “unrest” at the top, and “something” at the bottom.